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Monday, April 8, 2013

Staring down the maw of insecurity.

Staring Down the Maw of Inscurity

Sound of silver talk to me
Makes you want to feel like a teenager
Until you remember the feelings of
A real life emotional teenager
Then you think again
— LCD Soundsystem – “Sound of Silver”


Hmmmm, still no text. I guess I’ll write about it, like a sensitive bitch.


It's my guess that many physically handicapped people suffer from severe insecurity a lot of the time because they think/know people see their handicapped first and dismiss them. This would especially be the case when it comes to sexual attraction and love.

Sometimes watching TV can be really bad for somewhat insecure, lonely people. 

I was watching a sitcom tonight where a character stands outside his girlfriend's window, singing her a song in an attempt to try and smooth over something stupid he did. Then later she does this to him. Then all was better.

It made me think that, although well beyond my teenage years, I have never and will probably never have someone standing outside my window pining for me. It's always me who does the pining while those I devote my thought to probably don't even think about me when I’m out of sight. It's frustrating when you think about a specific someone when you want to do something or you want company but you know that that person isn't thinking about you at all. In fact, you know you don't even enter their mind when they want to do things. You're at the bottom of their list if on it at all.

You sit and wait for a call, well these days, a text, a post on Facebook so you have an excuse to interact with them. But there’s no text. Or if there is it’s because they ran out of people to talk to that they give a shit about. This all sounds fucked up, right? Well, it is because insecurity is fucked up. It’s always there, just out of sight, stalking you, waiting to corrupt your thoughts.


Still nothing.


Now people are going to say, "Fuck 'em!" Well, yes, that's easy to say. But that doesn't serve to lessen the pain and frustration.

I'm not going to say I haven't had women who were deeply in love with me. I have—thank you very much. So, I have had the fortune of being in love with someone who was in love with me. But I have spent far too much of my life liking women who would never see me more than a friend. A lot of this was probably due to my sometimes irritating and grating personality when I was young. I'm pretty sure I would have hated my young self. Hell, I don't like myself a lot of the time now.

And sure, “the friend zone” happens to most people during their lives, even those not handicapped. But when you really get along with someone and you start to like them but they never feel the same way, you start to think well what the hell is wrong with me? Of course it could just be the other person, but when it happens over and over again, thoughts immediately roam toward your physical presence and insecurity is there pacing in the shadows whispering, "It's you. It's you. You're a freak!" Then it pounces and you spiral down its dark maw. It happens and you will spend time churning around in the belly of the beast, but eventually you’ll need to climb back out, choking the fuck out of that insecurity—


Better have fallen asleep or broken a fucking thumb is all I’m saying.


—for now. 
Until it happens again. 
And you wait for the text…
Will this be the one…
And wait…
Who knows how to quiet…
And wait…
… the beast roaring behind you?

Thursday, March 7, 2013

99¢ Kindle Edition of INTO THE DARKNESS

Make sure to get the Kindle version of INTO THE DARKNESS Vol. 1 this weekend for only a buck.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

My new podcast. Dance Machine 5000 Episode 09

New podcast up!

Dance Machine 5000 Podcast Episode 09. Latest tracks from Mordacius, Mesh, Junkie XL and more. From DJ L.D.:

1. Mordacious — Born To Fail (FGFC820 Remix)
2. Mesh — Born To Lie
3. Junkie XL — Twilight Trippin
4. Melotron — Dein Meister
5. Distain! — 100%
6. Mental Discipline & Felix Marc — Fall to Pieces
7. Terrolokaust — Just One Fix
8. Wynardtage — Dissolution (DJ Thommy Remix)
9. Ashbury Heights — Kingdom Confession
10. Minerve — Down To The Ground
11. Grendel — Deep Waters (AQUALITE Remix)
12. Detroit Diesel — Under Fire
13. XP8 — Wake Up! (Awoken By Nitronoise Remix)
14. Officers X Gary Numan — Petals (Jagz Kooner Remix)

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Free copy of my book DEAD SOULS!

Go get my book from Smashwords! It's free for the rest of the month. Supposedly it doesn't suck and you might actually dig it. If you do like it, leave a quick review on Amazon or something. If you don't like it, keep your mouth shut, it was free! ;)

Free copy of TALES OF THE FALLEN Book 1!

Download my book TALES OF THE FALLEN Book 1 for free the rest of the month. If you don't enjoy it, it's probably your fault. :)

My book DEAD SOLS for FREE!

Go get my book from Smashwords! It's free for the rest of the month. Supposedly it doesn't suck and you might actually dig it. If you do like it, leave a quick review on Amazon or something. If you don't like it, keep your mouth shut, it was free! ;)

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The new anthology I co-edited is now out and it's pretty damn awesome. Also available for the Kindle, Nook, and all other ebook formats.

Order the INTO THE DARKNESS Vol. 1 trade paperback from the Necro Publications Store for only $13.95. That's $2 off the Amazon price. Plus take an additional 15% off. Use this code at checkout: ITD15


INTO THE DARKNESS was first published as a magazine in the mid-1990s by David G. Barnett, and included stories by now-respected names in the horror fiction world: Edward Lee, Charlee Jacob, John Everson, Gerard Houarner, D.F. Lewis and dozens more. After only five issues, Necro stopped the magazine, and focused on books. We’ve now resurrected Into the Darkness in this all-new 90K word anthology series of dark, brutal, unrelenting horror fiction from new and established authors alike. We hope you enjoy reading the series as much as we enjoy finding new voices in modern horror.

Gerard Houarner
Tina Starr
Brian Lillie
Craig Cook
D.M. Woon
David Bain
Jarod Roberts
Jeremy Thompson
John Lawson
Kurt Fawver
Leslianne Wilder
Michael T. Huyck, Jr.
Nick Medina
Paul Anderson
Richard Fuller
Richard Thomas
Stephen McQuiggan