Staring Down the Maw of Inscurity
Sound of silver talk
to me
Makes you want to feel like a teenager
Until you remember the feelings of
A real life emotional teenager
Then you think again
Makes you want to feel like a teenager
Until you remember the feelings of
A real life emotional teenager
Then you think again
— LCD Soundsystem – “Sound
of Silver”
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Hmmmm, still no text. I guess I’ll write about it, like a sensitive
bitch.
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It's my guess that many physically handicapped people suffer
from severe insecurity a lot of the time because they think/know people see
their handicapped first and dismiss them. This would especially be the case
when it comes to sexual attraction and love.
Sometimes watching TV can be really bad for somewhat
insecure, lonely people.
I was watching a sitcom tonight where a character stands
outside his girlfriend's window, singing her a song in an attempt to try and
smooth over something stupid he did. Then later she does this to him. Then all
was better.
It made me think that, although well beyond my teenage
years, I have never and will probably never have someone standing outside my
window pining for me. It's always me who does the pining while those I devote
my thought to probably don't even think about me when I’m out of sight. It's
frustrating when you think about a specific someone when you want to do
something or you want company but you know that that person isn't thinking
about you at all. In fact, you know you don't even enter their mind when they
want to do things. You're at the bottom of their list if on it at all.
You sit and wait for a call, well these days, a text, a post
on Facebook so you have an excuse to interact with them. But there’s no text.
Or if there is it’s because they ran out of people to talk to that they give a
shit about. This all sounds fucked up, right? Well, it is because insecurity is
fucked up. It’s always there, just out of sight, stalking you, waiting to corrupt your
thoughts.
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Still nothing.
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Now people are going to say, "Fuck 'em!" Well,
yes, that's easy to say. But that doesn't serve to lessen the pain and
frustration.
I'm not going to say I haven't had women who were deeply
in love with me. I have—thank you very much. So, I have had the fortune of being
in love with someone who was in love with me. But I have spent far too much of
my life liking women who would never see me more than a friend. A lot of this
was probably due to my sometimes irritating and grating personality when I was
young. I'm pretty sure I would have hated my young self. Hell, I don't like
myself a lot of the time now.
And sure, “the friend zone” happens to most people during
their lives, even those not handicapped. But when you really get along with
someone and you start to like them but they never feel the same way, you start
to think well what the hell is wrong with me? Of course it
could just be the other person, but when it happens over and over again, thoughts
immediately roam toward your physical presence and insecurity is there pacing
in the shadows whispering, "It's you. It's you. You're a freak!" Then
it pounces and you spiral down its dark maw. It happens and you will
spend time churning around in the belly of the beast, but eventually you’ll
need to climb back out, choking the fuck out of that insecurity—
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Better have fallen asleep or broken a fucking thumb is all I’m
saying.
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—for now.
Until it happens again.
And you wait for the text…
Will this be the one…
And wait…
Who knows how to quiet…
And wait…
… the beast roaring behind you?
