Staring down the maw of insecurity.

Staring Down the Maw of Inscurity

Sound of silver talk to me
Makes you want to feel like a teenager
Until you remember the feelings of
A real life emotional teenager
Then you think again

— LCD Soundsystem – “Sound of Silver”

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Hmmmm, still no text. I guess I’ll write about it, like a sensitive bitch.

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It's my guess that many physically handicapped people suffer from severe insecurity a lot of the time because they think/know people see their handicapped first and dismiss them. This would especially be the case when it comes to sexual attraction and love.

Sometimes watching TV can be really bad for somewhat insecure, lonely people. 

I was watching a sitcom tonight where a character stands outside his girlfriend's window, singing her a song in an attempt to try and smooth over something stupid he did. Then later she does this to him. Then all was better.

It made me think that, although well beyond my teenage years, I have never and will probably never have someone standing outside my window pining for me. It's always me who does the pining while those I devote my thought to probably don't even think about me when I’m out of sight. It's frustrating when you think about a specific someone when you want to do something or you want company but you know that that person isn't thinking about you at all. In fact, you know you don't even enter their mind when they want to do things. You're at the bottom of their list if on it at all.

You sit and wait for a call, well these days, a text, a post on Facebook so you have an excuse to interact with them. But there’s no text. Or if there is it’s because they ran out of people to talk to that they give a shit about. This all sounds fucked up, right? Well, it is because insecurity is fucked up. It’s always there, just out of sight, stalking you, waiting to corrupt your thoughts.

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Still nothing.

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Now people are going to say, "Fuck 'em!" Well, yes, that's easy to say. But that doesn't serve to lessen the pain and frustration.

I'm not going to say I haven't had women who were deeply in love with me. I have—thank you very much. So, I have had the fortune of being in love with someone who was in love with me. But I have spent far too much of my life liking women who would never see me more than a friend. A lot of this was probably due to my sometimes irritating and grating personality when I was young. I'm pretty sure I would have hated my young self. Hell, I don't like myself a lot of the time now.

And sure, “the friend zone” happens to most people during their lives, even those not handicapped. But when you really get along with someone and you start to like them but they never feel the same way, you start to think well what the hell is wrong with me? Of course it could just be the other person, but when it happens over and over again, thoughts immediately roam toward your physical presence and insecurity is there pacing in the shadows whispering, "It's you. It's you. You're a freak!" Then it pounces and you spiral down its dark maw. It happens and you will spend time churning around in the belly of the beast, but eventually you’ll need to climb back out, choking the fuck out of that insecurity—

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Better have fallen asleep or broken a fucking thumb is all I’m saying.

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—for now. 

Until it happens again. 

And you wait for the text…

Will this be the one…

And wait…

Who knows how to quiet…

And wait…

… the beast roaring behind you?