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Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Birth of a Diabetic Midget

In the spring of 1967, deep in the heart of Mississippi, a strong southern black woman gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. This, of course, has nothing to do with me. Afterall, you're not reading memoirs of strong black southern woman. Keep up! Would ya.

No, I burst into this world at Wesley Hospital in the bustling metropolis of Wichita, KS. And having aided in bringing such a glorious specimen of human magnificence into the world and knowing it would never house such greatness again, Wesley closed its doors and fell into disrepair. Eventually it was demolished and replaced with a strip mall which now houses a Big Lots!, Dominos and a Korean nail salon called You Nails Now!, which gives incredibly aggressive mani/pedis.

This, of course, is also a lie. The hospital is still there. But I do like to think there is some Korean woman out there giving painful yet stunning mani/pedis to masochists who leave the salon spent and trembling from shame.

So, anyway... There I was--naked and bloody--a symbol of the era of hippies and useless wars which I was now a part of. Little did my parents know what hell they unleashed upon the world...and themselves. The Diabetic Midget was loose.

NEXT TIME: "Is his spine supposed to do that?"

Saturday, July 14, 2012

People wonder why I'm grumpy

As the subhead of this blog says, I'm not really a midget. Not technically. But let's face facts, when people first see me they think, "Hey, a midget." It's not: business man, writer, DJ, designer and all around Rennaisance Man (read as jack of all trades, master of absolutely nothing). No...midget. As much as I wish this wasn't the case, it will never change. That is unless those crazy scientists figure out how to transfer our minds into a cybernetic robot androidian super body. COME ON JAPAN!

The key to keeping somewhat sane is to quickly make people see past the crumpled outside to the juicy center. Although sometimes this center is a little sour. Walk through a mall in my shoes and see if you don't come back out a tad bit bitter.

With this blog I'm hoping to do a few things:

1. Make people laugh a little.
2. Help out others in a similar situation as myself who might be struggling to maybe get some inspiration from my experiences.
3. Help to alter the perspectives of those unchallenged by vertical issues.
4. Feed my ego by talking about myself a lot.
5. To exorcise my demons.

Hopefully I'll keep doing this. I say "hopefully" because I tend to be lazy. I'm writing this while watching SUITS and the Ambien is about to kick in so I'll just say my next post will be about the teenage sexfest that was my baccalaureate night.